Know Your Audience

I really wish my email would stop trying to get me to set up a profile on BlackPeopleMeet.com. I don't even know the secret handshake...

Social Boston Sports?

Apparently it's not Tuesday night co-ed dodgeball until the police are involved. Zoinks.

Don't drink and "Ice"

This past Friday night I met up with some friends for some drinks. At about 12:30am when everyone was socially lubricated, everyone's favorite one-hit wonder "Ice, Ice, Baby" came on. Not only do I know all the words to this song, but I sing it...emphatically...and with dance moves. The best part of the story though, and I kid you not, is that I literally texted "word" to my mother. My drunken friends were only mildly amused at what to me at the time seemed like the best idea EVAH. My mom was equally as confused Saturday morning. If you ever try to "word to ya motha"...take it from me, parents just don't understand ;)

I'm no fool

So what if my female cat is like 100 years old and is already fixed...a deal is a deal...and I'll take two.

"FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!@$#$#@!@$"

- Every Patriots fan for the next 8 months

Get a room

On my way home, and if the PDA in front of me gets any more intense I may have to throw a condom on or smoke a cigarette or something...

Best Attack Ad Ever

I was reading CNN.com and accidentally combined the two headlines "Man Arrested in Calif. Homeless Killings" and "Mitt Romney's Mexican Relatives" to create "Mitt Romney Arrested in Calif. Homeless Killings". I thought it was a bold strategy given that he's the front runner.

Thank God!

Goodbye, MMXI

As we head into our last day of 2011, I will leave you with this tried and true pearl of wisdom: NEVER judge a book by it's cover...unless of course that book is wearing something by Ed Hardy...because then that book is a douchebag. I can't say that I've ever called a book a douchebag before...but I promise you it's almost as satisfying as if you were saying it to a person that deservedly needed to hear it.

May your 2012 be filled with more great things and fewer douchebag books.

Happy New Year

The More You Grow

FACT: If you have a beard, you're automatically a better story teller than the average person. PROOF: Confucius, Jesus, Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazzard.

Happy Holidays :)

Dear Work:

I'm not sure you realize how fantastic the combination of heated blanket and down comforter is, but I assure you, it's way better than anything you had planned for me today. My bed ranks just above Cleveland on Trip Advisor's "Top Destination Spots". I want you to think about that before you pull this whole M-F, 9-5 nonsense again. Also, I'm tired of spending Flag Day with you. Do you even KNOW how hectic Flag Day is for me? Don't be so arrogant...you're better than that.

Wino? Why, no...

My boss' boss gave me a re-gifted "rechargeable wine opener" for the holidays. She obviously doesn't know me that well. She also threw in some cat treats because she loves cats and knows that I have one. That was sweet. The real loser in all of this is my cat, because she doesn't know any better and she's getting a rechargeable wine opener.

Forrest Gump Friday?

I straight-up RAN for a block to catch my bus this morning (in business attire) while some hillbilly screamed "RUN, BOY, RUN!" from what I assumed was a pick-up truck. I didn't care enough to look back and confirm, but I'm willing to bet chewing tobacco was part of his complete breakfast.

St. Dick

"Honestly, I think it's a dick move. It's December after all and he's stealing my thunder." - Santa Claus, when asked what he thought about Tim Tebow.

I would have been judged

Today at work I stepped into a bathroom stall merely to un-tuck and re-tuck my shirt. When I came out, two co-workers that I don't really talk to stared at me as I started to walk away without washing my hands. Short story shorter, I washed my hands out of fear of judgement. Oh wait...nevermind, it's probably for the best. That dead squirrel I found earlier today was NOT as fuzzy as I thought it would be, by the way. If only I had worn a pink bunny costume to work in the first place I could have avoided this whole awkward situation! No shirt to tuck in!

Dilemmas, Dilemmas

If eating gummy bears for breakfast is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Then again, I also don't want diabetes... #haribo

Buyer Beware: Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreos

Oreos are awesome. We know this. I like to have healthy debates with people over which is greater: Cool Mint or "Double Stuf". Nope, that's not a typo, they only use one "f" in "Stuf", and it's just another reason why I believe the mint versions are superior. However, that's neither here nor there. This post is with regard to the offender pictured below.

Simply put: these things are fucking gross. I was excited to maybe have a neopolitan/strawberry ice cream sort of experience but was quickly thrown out of the plane on my way to fantasy island. I guess the flavor crystal looking sparkles should have tipped me off that I was about to consume something that tasted like bubble gum toothpaste hastily sandwiched between two Oreos. Not even the good kind of bubble gum toothpaste that kids have though, more like the kind that over-acheiving pet owners use on their dogs. Yes, I imagine that Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreos taste exactly like dog toothpaste. Am I going to throw them out? No. There are starving kids all over the world that have never had the joy of eating their very own dog toothpaste, so throwing them away would be disrespectful and I don't need to deal with that kind of guilt during this holiday season. I'll take one for the team so the rest of you don't have to. I don't want to compare myself to Jesus in that way, but you're welcome.

Happy National Pie Day

So how does this work exactly? Should I be expecting someone to show up at my place of business and/or residence to hand deliver me a pie? I don't remember being asked which kind I wanted...then again I only go through my mail every 3 months or so...maybe I missed the registration deadline? Well if you're listening, you sneak-attacking-son-of-a-bitch-fake-holiday, I wanted apple. I'll be waiting.



Put a football helmet on my cat?! OKAY!

This is my cat, Teal. She is a bigger Patriots fan than you. That's the only description this picture needs. You're welcome...again.

#PatsCat

5 things I (sarcastically) enjoy

1. Soul-Crushing Ex-Girlfriends
2. Styrofoam
3. Anyone using public transportation at the same time as me
4. Snakes
5. And more recently, setting aside an extra 15 minutes in the morning to button my shirt.

#BrokenWristsAreFun
#JustKidding