Goodbye, MMXI

As we head into our last day of 2011, I will leave you with this tried and true pearl of wisdom: NEVER judge a book by it's cover...unless of course that book is wearing something by Ed Hardy...because then that book is a douchebag. I can't say that I've ever called a book a douchebag before...but I promise you it's almost as satisfying as if you were saying it to a person that deservedly needed to hear it.

May your 2012 be filled with more great things and fewer douchebag books.

Happy New Year

The More You Grow

FACT: If you have a beard, you're automatically a better story teller than the average person. PROOF: Confucius, Jesus, Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazzard.

Happy Holidays :)

Dear Work:

I'm not sure you realize how fantastic the combination of heated blanket and down comforter is, but I assure you, it's way better than anything you had planned for me today. My bed ranks just above Cleveland on Trip Advisor's "Top Destination Spots". I want you to think about that before you pull this whole M-F, 9-5 nonsense again. Also, I'm tired of spending Flag Day with you. Do you even KNOW how hectic Flag Day is for me? Don't be so arrogant...you're better than that.

Wino? Why, no...

My boss' boss gave me a re-gifted "rechargeable wine opener" for the holidays. She obviously doesn't know me that well. She also threw in some cat treats because she loves cats and knows that I have one. That was sweet. The real loser in all of this is my cat, because she doesn't know any better and she's getting a rechargeable wine opener.

Forrest Gump Friday?

I straight-up RAN for a block to catch my bus this morning (in business attire) while some hillbilly screamed "RUN, BOY, RUN!" from what I assumed was a pick-up truck. I didn't care enough to look back and confirm, but I'm willing to bet chewing tobacco was part of his complete breakfast.

St. Dick

"Honestly, I think it's a dick move. It's December after all and he's stealing my thunder." - Santa Claus, when asked what he thought about Tim Tebow.

I would have been judged

Today at work I stepped into a bathroom stall merely to un-tuck and re-tuck my shirt. When I came out, two co-workers that I don't really talk to stared at me as I started to walk away without washing my hands. Short story shorter, I washed my hands out of fear of judgement. Oh wait...nevermind, it's probably for the best. That dead squirrel I found earlier today was NOT as fuzzy as I thought it would be, by the way. If only I had worn a pink bunny costume to work in the first place I could have avoided this whole awkward situation! No shirt to tuck in!

Dilemmas, Dilemmas

If eating gummy bears for breakfast is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Then again, I also don't want diabetes... #haribo

Buyer Beware: Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreos

Oreos are awesome. We know this. I like to have healthy debates with people over which is greater: Cool Mint or "Double Stuf". Nope, that's not a typo, they only use one "f" in "Stuf", and it's just another reason why I believe the mint versions are superior. However, that's neither here nor there. This post is with regard to the offender pictured below.

Simply put: these things are fucking gross. I was excited to maybe have a neopolitan/strawberry ice cream sort of experience but was quickly thrown out of the plane on my way to fantasy island. I guess the flavor crystal looking sparkles should have tipped me off that I was about to consume something that tasted like bubble gum toothpaste hastily sandwiched between two Oreos. Not even the good kind of bubble gum toothpaste that kids have though, more like the kind that over-acheiving pet owners use on their dogs. Yes, I imagine that Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreos taste exactly like dog toothpaste. Am I going to throw them out? No. There are starving kids all over the world that have never had the joy of eating their very own dog toothpaste, so throwing them away would be disrespectful and I don't need to deal with that kind of guilt during this holiday season. I'll take one for the team so the rest of you don't have to. I don't want to compare myself to Jesus in that way, but you're welcome.

Happy National Pie Day

So how does this work exactly? Should I be expecting someone to show up at my place of business and/or residence to hand deliver me a pie? I don't remember being asked which kind I wanted...then again I only go through my mail every 3 months or so...maybe I missed the registration deadline? Well if you're listening, you sneak-attacking-son-of-a-bitch-fake-holiday, I wanted apple. I'll be waiting.



Put a football helmet on my cat?! OKAY!

This is my cat, Teal. She is a bigger Patriots fan than you. That's the only description this picture needs. You're welcome...again.

#PatsCat

5 things I (sarcastically) enjoy

1. Soul-Crushing Ex-Girlfriends
2. Styrofoam
3. Anyone using public transportation at the same time as me
4. Snakes
5. And more recently, setting aside an extra 15 minutes in the morning to button my shirt.

#BrokenWristsAreFun
#JustKidding

Analyze this

I had a dream last night where someone gave me a Vespa-esque scooter vehicle free of charge and I REALLY enjoyed riding it around town. Does that make me gay or thrifty??? Either way, I did NOT see that coming. Now, let me find a picture that confirms my heterosexuality... #NotGay #ScootersCouldBeFun

Out of context, this might sound weird...

"I wish I could go one goddamn day without a monkey flaunting his guitar skills in my face."  - Me, earlier today on a Facebook thread.

You must not know 'bout me

Let's face it...I'm a fucking rockstar in the shower, but you know the day is going to be weird when the first song a 30 year-old white guy (me) starts singing to wake himself up is by Beyonce. Far be it from me to not sing a tune through to completion, though. #NotGay

Read the fine print

Apparently, not wearing any pants to the office on "Casual Fridays" is frowned upon. I hate it when they micromanage. #FascistFridays #PantsOffLayOff

Should have seen this coming

If you're a lioness and you name one of your kids Mufasa and one of them Scar, what the FUCK did you think was going to happen? Exactly! One of them will become the king of the jungle and the other will turn into the bad guy from Die Hard.

Thanks @Jenna_Marbles for pointing this out!

We all have our reasons

I'm not going to lie, a big part of why I wanted to start a blog was because my Grandmother is on Facebook and she stalks my wall. Call me old-fashioned but I don't want to talk about my 3 a.m. drunk posts with a picture of my tongue down some girl's throat over Thanksgiving dinner. This is now my outlet. I also like to swear on occassion. Fuck.

I'm sorry Gram.

#FilteredFacebook

Has nobody asked this before?

What the hell do Girl Scouts do when they're not selling cookies? Be honest, have you ever seen a Girl Scout group on a field trip or at an ice cream social? You might say "Well, I'm not a pedophile so no." You make a valid point. However! It seems that these girls are basically being conditioned to peddle addictive substances by the side of the road...which I guess will serve them well in the future somehow...??? God forbid if these confectionery prostitutes start accepting credit cards because the day will eventually come when I have to call Visa and explain why all of my credit is maxed out on Samoas and Thin Mints. Yes, they're called Samoas, not "Caramel Delights". A cookie that good can't possibly be racist.

So other than the gym...

Where can I find some Schweddy Balls? I'm starting to think it doesn't exist. #TheresNoBeatingMyBalls

Seriously, winter?!

You really can't wait until I kick Fall out of bed before you start fucking me?! Now when we all see each other next November it's going to be weird... #SexingtheSeasons #wtfOctoberSnow

I Passed My Oral Exam

Just spent my lunch hour at a "pay up front and we swear your insurance company will reimburse you" dental establishment. There's no possible way I could get screwed over by this. #FridayFail #ShouldHaveDoneMyHomework

Serial Rapist Moonlights as a Professional Football Player

I wonder if Ben Roethlisberger has to inform people that he's a sex offender when he goes trick-or-treating? There's got to be a less awkward way to get a fun-sized Snickers bar. #OopsiDiditAgain #GoPats

First Snow

Static cling makes me want to punch a baby. Hello winter, goodbye inhibitions of clocking toddlers! #ThingsiDontDoButSoundFunny