5 things I (sarcastically) enjoy

1. Soul-Crushing Ex-Girlfriends
2. Styrofoam
3. Anyone using public transportation at the same time as me
4. Snakes
5. And more recently, setting aside an extra 15 minutes in the morning to button my shirt.

#BrokenWristsAreFun
#JustKidding

Analyze this

I had a dream last night where someone gave me a Vespa-esque scooter vehicle free of charge and I REALLY enjoyed riding it around town. Does that make me gay or thrifty??? Either way, I did NOT see that coming. Now, let me find a picture that confirms my heterosexuality... #NotGay #ScootersCouldBeFun

Out of context, this might sound weird...

"I wish I could go one goddamn day without a monkey flaunting his guitar skills in my face."  - Me, earlier today on a Facebook thread.

You must not know 'bout me

Let's face it...I'm a fucking rockstar in the shower, but you know the day is going to be weird when the first song a 30 year-old white guy (me) starts singing to wake himself up is by Beyonce. Far be it from me to not sing a tune through to completion, though. #NotGay

Read the fine print

Apparently, not wearing any pants to the office on "Casual Fridays" is frowned upon. I hate it when they micromanage. #FascistFridays #PantsOffLayOff

Should have seen this coming

If you're a lioness and you name one of your kids Mufasa and one of them Scar, what the FUCK did you think was going to happen? Exactly! One of them will become the king of the jungle and the other will turn into the bad guy from Die Hard.

Thanks @Jenna_Marbles for pointing this out!

We all have our reasons

I'm not going to lie, a big part of why I wanted to start a blog was because my Grandmother is on Facebook and she stalks my wall. Call me old-fashioned but I don't want to talk about my 3 a.m. drunk posts with a picture of my tongue down some girl's throat over Thanksgiving dinner. This is now my outlet. I also like to swear on occassion. Fuck.

I'm sorry Gram.

#FilteredFacebook

Has nobody asked this before?

What the hell do Girl Scouts do when they're not selling cookies? Be honest, have you ever seen a Girl Scout group on a field trip or at an ice cream social? You might say "Well, I'm not a pedophile so no." You make a valid point. However! It seems that these girls are basically being conditioned to peddle addictive substances by the side of the road...which I guess will serve them well in the future somehow...??? God forbid if these confectionery prostitutes start accepting credit cards because the day will eventually come when I have to call Visa and explain why all of my credit is maxed out on Samoas and Thin Mints. Yes, they're called Samoas, not "Caramel Delights". A cookie that good can't possibly be racist.

So other than the gym...

Where can I find some Schweddy Balls? I'm starting to think it doesn't exist. #TheresNoBeatingMyBalls

Seriously, winter?!

You really can't wait until I kick Fall out of bed before you start fucking me?! Now when we all see each other next November it's going to be weird... #SexingtheSeasons #wtfOctoberSnow

I Passed My Oral Exam

Just spent my lunch hour at a "pay up front and we swear your insurance company will reimburse you" dental establishment. There's no possible way I could get screwed over by this. #FridayFail #ShouldHaveDoneMyHomework

Serial Rapist Moonlights as a Professional Football Player

I wonder if Ben Roethlisberger has to inform people that he's a sex offender when he goes trick-or-treating? There's got to be a less awkward way to get a fun-sized Snickers bar. #OopsiDiditAgain #GoPats

First Snow

Static cling makes me want to punch a baby. Hello winter, goodbye inhibitions of clocking toddlers! #ThingsiDontDoButSoundFunny