Has nobody asked this before?

What the hell do Girl Scouts do when they're not selling cookies? Be honest, have you ever seen a Girl Scout group on a field trip or at an ice cream social? You might say "Well, I'm not a pedophile so no." You make a valid point. However! It seems that these girls are basically being conditioned to peddle addictive substances by the side of the road...which I guess will serve them well in the future somehow...??? God forbid if these confectionery prostitutes start accepting credit cards because the day will eventually come when I have to call Visa and explain why all of my credit is maxed out on Samoas and Thin Mints. Yes, they're called Samoas, not "Caramel Delights". A cookie that good can't possibly be racist.

So other than the gym...

Where can I find some Schweddy Balls? I'm starting to think it doesn't exist. #TheresNoBeatingMyBalls

Seriously, winter?!

You really can't wait until I kick Fall out of bed before you start fucking me?! Now when we all see each other next November it's going to be weird... #SexingtheSeasons #wtfOctoberSnow

I Passed My Oral Exam

Just spent my lunch hour at a "pay up front and we swear your insurance company will reimburse you" dental establishment. There's no possible way I could get screwed over by this. #FridayFail #ShouldHaveDoneMyHomework

Serial Rapist Moonlights as a Professional Football Player

I wonder if Ben Roethlisberger has to inform people that he's a sex offender when he goes trick-or-treating? There's got to be a less awkward way to get a fun-sized Snickers bar. #OopsiDiditAgain #GoPats

First Snow

Static cling makes me want to punch a baby. Hello winter, goodbye inhibitions of clocking toddlers! #ThingsiDontDoButSoundFunny