5 things I (sarcastically) enjoy

1. Soul-Crushing Ex-Girlfriends
2. Styrofoam
3. Anyone using public transportation at the same time as me
4. Snakes
5. And more recently, setting aside an extra 15 minutes in the morning to button my shirt.

#BrokenWristsAreFun
#JustKidding

Analyze this

I had a dream last night where someone gave me a Vespa-esque scooter vehicle free of charge and I REALLY enjoyed riding it around town. Does that make me gay or thrifty??? Either way, I did NOT see that coming. Now, let me find a picture that confirms my heterosexuality... #NotGay #ScootersCouldBeFun

Out of context, this might sound weird...

"I wish I could go one goddamn day without a monkey flaunting his guitar skills in my face."  - Me, earlier today on a Facebook thread.

You must not know 'bout me

Let's face it...I'm a fucking rockstar in the shower, but you know the day is going to be weird when the first song a 30 year-old white guy (me) starts singing to wake himself up is by Beyonce. Far be it from me to not sing a tune through to completion, though. #NotGay

Read the fine print

Apparently, not wearing any pants to the office on "Casual Fridays" is frowned upon. I hate it when they micromanage. #FascistFridays #PantsOffLayOff

Should have seen this coming

If you're a lioness and you name one of your kids Mufasa and one of them Scar, what the FUCK did you think was going to happen? Exactly! One of them will become the king of the jungle and the other will turn into the bad guy from Die Hard.

Thanks @Jenna_Marbles for pointing this out!

We all have our reasons

I'm not going to lie, a big part of why I wanted to start a blog was because my Grandmother is on Facebook and she stalks my wall. Call me old-fashioned but I don't want to talk about my 3 a.m. drunk posts with a picture of my tongue down some girl's throat over Thanksgiving dinner. This is now my outlet. I also like to swear on occassion. Fuck.

I'm sorry Gram.

#FilteredFacebook