I don’t know if I will ever again feel comfortable as I walk down Boylston St. This is not because I am afraid of being innocently attacked, but because there are just some things that cannot be unseen, unheard, unfelt. I may not have been there as the mayhem unfolded, but I, we, immersed ourselves into every detail, no matter how difficult it was to process, and we took it all too personally. We have all been on that street. We all knew somebody that was potentially in danger on what turned out to be one of the first sun-kissed days of the year. We all wished there was something more we could do to help once we witnessed the aftermath. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I again run out into the middle of that street when traffic is stopped and pretend to cross the finish line as if I’ve accomplished something great, like so many men and women have, without feeling disrespectful. Will I ever be able to walk down that side without flashing back to the carnage that erupted on what was supposed to be a great day; “our” day? I don’t know.
Trinity Church in Copley Square, Boston
4-18-13
I don’t know if I will ever again feel comfortable as I walk down Boylston St. This is not because I am afraid of being innocently attacked, but because there are just some things that cannot be unseen, unheard, unfelt. I may not have been there as the mayhem unfolded, but I, we, immersed ourselves into every detail, no matter how difficult it was to process, and we took it all too personally. We have all been on that street. We all knew somebody that was potentially in danger on what turned out to be one of the first sun-kissed days of the year. We all wished there was something more we could do to help once we witnessed the aftermath. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I again run out into the middle of that street when traffic is stopped and pretend to cross the finish line as if I’ve accomplished something great, like so many men and women have, without feeling disrespectful. Will I ever be able to walk down that side without flashing back to the carnage that erupted on what was supposed to be a great day; “our” day? I don’t know.
I don’t know how the families of those injured and lost have
made it through this week. This week…
I wonder if the news over the past 24 hours has brought any solace or comfort
to their ailing hearts; if the promise of justice that they so desperately
deserve will help them sleep any better tonight. We’ve all put ourselves into
their shoes and have tried to imagine what we would do if it was us that had to
face down such horrible circumstances. We think about it for a moment or two,
and then we are glad that it wasn’t us. This is not because we are selfish or
insensitive, but because we are terrified at the idea of the proposed
juxtaposition. We battle with our own thoughts while keeping those actually
affected simultaneously encompassed within them. Are there any words that can be said to these
incomparably strong people that could ever make it better? I don’t know.
I don’t know how the first responders (those on the scene
and those who came to aid) didn’t think twice about rushing into a danger that
they never had a full comprehension of. They knowingly risked their own lives
to help those wounded amidst an unnerving chaos where nothing made sense any longer. I don’t blame those that fled out of
fear; self-preservation as an instinct has enabled our species to continue. It does,
however, further exemplify the courage and humanity shown by those who stayed as
they laid the groundwork for the healing – a message sent that WE WILL NOT BE TERRORIZED. Can our debt
to those that stayed and endured such horrors in order to help their fellow man
ever be repaid? I don’t know.
I don’t know if this coward can ever live up to the amount of torment that he has unleashed on us as
a city, a state, a country, and as a people. When John F. Kennedy fell victim
to a homegrown terrorist, the perception of what the general public expected of
the assassin left them very confused with what they were actually presented
with. How could such a “nobody” be behind the death of such a great leader?
Surely there was a conspiracy in which more capable, more impressive, more evil men were behind – but history has proven
otherwise. In the coming weeks and months I believe we will also be left
wondering how somebody so insignificant was able to wreak such havoc over all
of us…for so long. This recreant hid behind terror to make himself more
imposing for a reason that only he knows – a reason that will ultimately never be acceptable. In due process,
will we eventually get the answers that we need to help us past this tragedy? I
don’t know.
What I do know is that in its darkest moments, our city arose
from the ashes with unparalleled strength and compassion – the kind of
Herculean effort that makes you regain your faith in humanity just as you were
left wondering if there was anything worth searching for. As evidenced by this week, you can no longer
doubt the human spirit, but rather you should hope to harness and perpetuate the
unity that we have felt over these five days and extend it to those who may need it - whether it be
now, next month, or ten years down the road.
The process of bringing this killer of innocents to justice
hasn’t been perfect, but it never had to be. In the end it just had to work.
It did. Thank you to all of those that made it possible.
J.W.
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